Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Trying
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.