I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself