“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
🙅🏻
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is