Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know