Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Think I pulled my liver
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.