Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.