Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.