Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
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this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*