I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
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*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird