Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Pigeon open mic night.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok