the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
live long and prosper!
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE