I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
#Caturday
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside