I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
You Might Also Like
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My teenage children choosing violence
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake