Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
*pronounces patio like ratio
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.