undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
how to market bottled water to dads
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.