therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
s
oc
i
a
l
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*