Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
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You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I’m having an out of money experience.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I’m calling the cops.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.