@DadZZZasleep: wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
@DadZZZasleep: me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
@DadZZZasleep: my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
@DadZZZasleep: sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
@DadZZZasleep: Wife: I just vacuumed so don't make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don't make a mess dad
Me: I'm not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
@DadZZZasleep: I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
@DadZZZasleep: 3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
@DadZZZasleep: [pearly gates]
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY