Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
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YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.