Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.