no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
You Might Also Like
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch