Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
*updates tinder bio*
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.