HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
You Might Also Like
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Botany good plants lately?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I drew y’all a little something.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.