Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
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If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.