Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DannyZuker's best tweets

@DannyZuker : As my friend confessed, "My teenage daughter never even talks to me," I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

@DannyZuker: I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

@DannyZuker: If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

@DannyZuker: Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

@DannyZuker: "WAIT!" I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added "TUBE" so yeah, God exists.

@DannyZuker: Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

@DannyZuker: Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

@DannyZuker: "Hashtag." #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

@DannyZuker: The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

@DannyZuker: My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.