Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
new shirt idea
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Chicken bread
I’m already scared
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.