Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.