Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
You Might Also Like
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.