People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
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Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?