Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DeadLioness's best tweets

@DeadLioness : Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

@DeadLioness: Do people who say that they're just thinking out loud realize that there's a verb for that already and it's called 'speaking'?

@DeadLioness: Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

@DeadLioness: Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

@DeadLioness: Just once I'd like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

@DeadLioness: Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what's really wrong with this country.

@DeadLioness: They don't seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

@DeadLioness: I'm no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

@DeadLioness: In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

@DeadLioness: What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.