One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
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Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.