Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
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Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…