I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
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felt that
Get in loser we’re going crying
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
notice
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT