Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
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Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
awkward
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…