The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend