It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.