customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
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Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.