You Might Also Like
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”