This is amazing.
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I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Jesus Christ lmao
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.