You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
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12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
How it started: How it’s going:
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Body by Oreos
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?