@DirtMcTurd: [texting drug dealer]
"You around? I was gonna stop by."
Yeah what are u looking for?
"I stopped doing drugs, I just miss you"
@DirtMcTurd: I was getting chased by a man yelling "STOP, POLICE!" & I yelled "YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL!" But he kept chasing me
@DirtMcTurd: [watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"]
Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.
Tim: Our budget is $4 million
@DirtMcTurd: My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat
@DirtMcTurd: [First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
@DirtMcTurd: [Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
@DirtMcTurd: How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
@DirtMcTurd: "Life Is a Highway" has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road