Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DirtMcTurd's best tweets

@DirtMcTurd : [watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything! TV: last week on GoT.. Me: when the hell did that happen?!

@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million

@DirtMcTurd: My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat

@DirtMcTurd: [First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

"Get out!"

@DirtMcTurd: [Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

@DirtMcTurd: How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

@DirtMcTurd: "Life Is a Highway" has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

@DirtMcTurd: Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

@DirtMcTurd: For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

@DirtMcTurd: If I'm guilty of anything it's that I care too much, that and murder