@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"]
Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.
Tim: Our budget is $4 million
@DirtMcTurd: My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat
@DirtMcTurd: [First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
@DirtMcTurd: [Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
@DirtMcTurd: How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
@DirtMcTurd: "Life Is a Highway" has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
@DirtMcTurd: Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
@DirtMcTurd: For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes