Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DirtMcTurd's best tweets

@DirtMcTurd : This girl wants to sing with me but I don't wanna duet

@DirtMcTurd: [texting drug dealer]

"You around? I was gonna stop by."

Yeah what are u looking for?

"I stopped doing drugs, I just miss you"

@DirtMcTurd: I was getting chased by a man yelling "STOP, POLICE!" & I yelled "YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL!" But he kept chasing me

@DirtMcTurd: [watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million

@DirtMcTurd: My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat

@DirtMcTurd: [First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

"Get out!"

@DirtMcTurd: [Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

@DirtMcTurd: How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

@DirtMcTurd: "Life Is a Highway" has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road