in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh