I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
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Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Hero horse inspires millions
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?