[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
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Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
You can’t rush stupid.