Lube but for my dry humor.
You Might Also Like
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined