vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
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love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.