If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Yep.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.