Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DonQuickoats's best tweets

@DonQuickoats : If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads

@DonQuickoats: I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I'm mowing the lawn

@DonQuickoats: When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I'm superhuman

@DonQuickoats: I don't even know how my dog can even think how I might fall for the notion someone else tore apart my shoe

@DonQuickoats: My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up

@DonQuickoats: Hair so long she accidentally flushed herself down the toilet

@DonQuickoats: The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger

@DonQuickoats: Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip

@DonQuickoats: I don't always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding

@DonQuickoats: I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go