I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
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when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.