I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.