@Douchekevin: Don't mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery
@Douchekevin: Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying "My period is late".
@Douchekevin: My four year old planted 25¢ in the garden and said a money tree is going grow there.
I laughed- but water it at night just in case
@Douchekevin: A 25 year old just told me she's gonna rock my world.
I'm 47 so I assume she's gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice
@Douchekevin: Anyone who says 'they wish they could be a fly on the wall' has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.
@Douchekevin: When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- 'all of it' wasn't as funny to him as it was to me.
@Douchekevin: Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.
Worse is getting 'lemme think about it' for a reply.
@Douchekevin: I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.
So I keep the curtains closed.