me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You Might Also Like
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.