I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
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Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.