“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
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I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.